The Missing Journal Pages of John Winchester
by LorGilFan
Summary: This is the Journal they are reading in my story Sins of the Fathers starting around part Five.


The Missing Journal Pages of John Winchester

Page One-Day ONE

Mary left today to go into hiding to have our baby. I miss her desperately already but we know she had no choice if our little one is to survive. I already wonder if this plan was the best option. When she joined up with this coven she believed it was more of social club than a religion but she soon found out things are many times not what they seem, she told me recently. After meeting me then getting pregnant almost a year after our marriage she had already begun to see that the rituals and ceremonies were not for her. Now she is afraid her absence will be noticed for what it really is; a way to keep our child though she hid her pregnancy well the last few months she has become wary of contacting anyone in her group. What will I do with myself now that my wife is gone to keep myself sane? Had I know what she was involved in would I still have married her? I think I would have she seemed to have such a sweet way about her when we met. We met at a truck stop where she was a waitress in the restaurant, I was a truck driver and the stop was on my route. We had talked a few times but when I finally asked her out I knew she was the one for me.

Page Two-Week ONE

Mary has been in hiding almost a week, she called again today and seems to be willing to try and relax for the baby's sake. I am writing all this down because I don't what else to do with myself. She said the lake house is beautiful and she is glad that she has this chance to think about her life, her sins, and her choices. Sins, what are sins? Things we do that offend someone we do not know really exist or are they just being cruel to one another? I have yet to decide how sins really affect me? Selfishness, pride, envy are all listed as sins; I don't see myself has committing any of those that I can remember. Neither of us has ever been religious, particularly, now she wonders why. I told her that everyone's upbringing usually guides them in that area but maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better. Our family was far from pagan but church was a place we thought people attended if they needed to believe in something outside themselves not because there was really any substance there. She likes the people that own the place; they're a middle aged married couple who are friends of hers from high school. They all grew up in the same small town in Minnesota. They think she and I split up since we couldn't tell them the truth we had to make up something. There it is a sin, a lie.

Page Three-First Month

One of her friends from the Coven called today I told them she was feeling under the weather but would have her call once she felt better. When I spoke to Mary later I almost didn't tell her afraid she would become apprehensive. But I decided one lie today was enough though I doubt if how many times you lie would matter as much as why you do it. Tonight I went out after work for drinks with my friends I had to limit myself so I wouldn't end up saying something I would later regret. I wish I could say I enjoyed the time out but I really just wanted to come home and sleep. I miss my wife so much. Her soft skin, her laugh, her smile, the taste of her lips and I want to be there when she has our child. I should sleep this isn't helping me at all.

Page Four-Second Month

Mary should be almost seven months now; she sent me a picture to our post office box. She still doesn't look very big but I'm glad to have the picture. She called to find out if I got the pictures then told me they had gone for a hike that day, nothing strenuous more of a stroll she said. I worry about her; we really don't know if they are going to try and find her. Every other day or so she gets a call from someone here at the house and my lies are stacking up so much I have to keep a list so that I tell the right person the right lie. I hate this being a part but more I had what our life has become. Will, it end when she comes home? When she first told me she was pregnant I was elated then I saw the look of shame on her face. I don't remember word for word but the basic message was THEY WILL KILL OUR CHILD. She began to sob uncontrollably before I had any understanding as to why she would say such a thing. I could only hold her. Once she was calm she made her confession though many days I wished she had found a priest to tell. As her husband I was shocked to find out she was a witch, I felt utterly betrayed. That is all I allowed her to tell me the first day I left the house in anger.

After work the next day I waited until after dinner to find out why she never told me about her life as a witch. She was calm this time when she explained that I wasn't suppose to know but now since she was pregnant she was concerned her baby may become a sacrifice since it would be her first born. She wasn't sure but she believed she had signed a contract during initiation. I couldn't look at the face of the woman I loved. I was hurt and even angrier when I found out the truth. I slept on the sofa that night and I could hear her crying. I refused to care.

Page Five-Second Month Second WEEK

I went shopping for groceries today and saw one of Mary's witch friends. I tried to avoid talking to her but she practically ran me over with her basket. I smiled, nodded then made small talk trying not to bring up my wife. Eventually she seemed to get the hint and moved on. Maybe sinning is an inherent part of our nature that has to be replaced with obeying something outside ourselves? It's not rocket science I know but I want to do the right things; letting Mary go so she could hopefully preserve our child was a good move I think now. When I spoke with her yesterday she said her friends wondered if we had considered counseling. I frowned now she has to lie again. One lie leads to another it is a vicious circle I decided.

Page Six-Third Month Third Week

Mary should have the baby soon when I spoke with her two days ago she was getting restless and weary of lying. She misses me; something we don't always talk about since her friends could be listening but they had gone to town when she phoned this time. The story she concocted for her friends had to include the fact that she didn't want to have the baby at a hospital but also cover why I wasn't going to be present. Her friend has midwife training so that is covered she was trying to not be anxious about the birth so I reminded her it would all be over soon without remembering that she was going to have to give our baby to someone else to raise. She cried then I felt like the big lug head I am for not thinking my words through. She understood I was only trying to comfort her then she laughed at me for sticking my foot in my mouth and was quiet again. I loved her since of humor from the beginning she loved to smile something I wasn't used to as a truck driver. Driving was a job I didn't relish; the long nights on dark lonely roads with nothing to entertain me but a radio or cb, but it paid well so I did for ten years. After we were married I took a regular job at a printing company.

Page Seven-May 14, 1977

Mary had the baby yesterday she called me in tears, she was so happy. We have a little boy now his name is Joshua Keith; he was twenty one inches long with dark blonde hair and blue eyes like his mother. Mary's maiden name is Keith so we thought that was a nice middle name. I know her hormones were making her cry but also knowing that he may never see me made me cry. I was angry that circumstances had put my son in mortal danger. I refused to blame Mary, my beautiful wife, for this at least not today. She couldn't discuss coming home because there were people in the room while she spoke with me but I knew she would make as soon as possible.

Page Eight-Fourth Month-Second WEEK

Joshua is a couple weeks old now but Mary wants to wait until he is around a month old before she takes him to his new home. There is a woman that she knows who is a psychic her name is Missouri. Missouri has become a good friend to Mary since they met years ago while Missouri was moonlighting as a fortune teller at a carnival. She swears that she was sent to that place to meet Mary because it was something she had never done before or since. She insists that fortune tellers are insidious fakes. There was a bond between them from the beginning that has lasted all these years and now Missouri's daughter will raise our son.

Page Nine

Mary came home today she has been really quiet and it worries me. When I hugged her she just stared at me wide eyed. She said she feels like she is in a nightmare but can't wake up. She insists the baby is fine and Missouri's daughter is a very sweet normal person. They live in a nice home and there is another little boy that Joshua will be able to play with who is almost two. I held her last night for the first time in almost five months, but I knew her thoughts were with our child. Mine were also. Which is the greater good to sacrifice for someone else to live or to live a life of sacrifice?

Page Ten-Last Entry

Mary had a call from one of her fellow witch friends today, she is out tonight but I don't know where. I drove around a while half heartedly looking for her but I really had no clue of where to go. God, if you exist please bring her home safely.


End file.
